*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
You Might Also Like
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.