I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
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Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal