I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
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I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Mornin
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.