I should have stayed in kindergarten.
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Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel