You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
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me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
#polloftheday
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.