It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
You Might Also Like
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
This one’s “Alex”.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards