*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
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indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks