Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
You Might Also Like
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
real
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️