it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
You Might Also Like
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*