My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
🔦🌙👣
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born