*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
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[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name