Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
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“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Livid.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try