“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
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Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
What the hell happened here.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.