Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
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That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Sunday
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work