relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
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[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons