You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
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[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Breaking news:
sistine chapel
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.