When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
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My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*