Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Merman_Melville's best tweets

@Merman_Melville : Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can't it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

@Merman_Melville: (Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

@Merman_Melville: Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope

@Merman_Melville: (Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

@Merman_Melville: At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

@Merman_Melville: Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don't forget to send the documents

@Merman_Melville: Why doesn't anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don't have it

@Merman_Melville: Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

@Merman_Melville: Apple watch, loudly: "It is time for you to poop"
Me: "A-as I was saying, our investors h-"
Watch, louder: "It is your optimal poop time"

@Merman_Melville: I'm a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog "The War Atrocity Babe"