Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
You Might Also Like
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
This why you should mind your business
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?