This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
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He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Effort made
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
best review i’ve ever seen
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.