Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MichaelTrying's best tweets

@MichaelTrying : All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

@MichaelTrying: "He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise."

-yelp review

@MichaelTrying: Ew, there is no way I'm touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

@MichaelTrying: "I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I'll make more."


@MichaelTrying: It's the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

@MichaelTrying: My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

@MichaelTrying: Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you've had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

@MichaelTrying: I'm in AAAAA, so I get my tires changed by recovering alcoholics.

@MichaelTrying: If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

@MichaelTrying: As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”