Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MichaelTrying's best tweets

@MichaelTrying : “His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.” -an obituary

@MichaelTrying: Shouldn't elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

@MichaelTrying: Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

@MichaelTrying: In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

@MichaelTrying: "Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper."

-Amazon suggestions logic

@MichaelTrying: How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn't?

@MichaelTrying: It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn't mean a donut, I'm so confused.

@MichaelTrying: I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

@MichaelTrying: A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it's my screensaver.

@MichaelTrying: I didn't realize that "sow your wild oats" is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.