So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
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Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*