If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
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The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.