*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
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a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.