Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
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Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
not seeing the problem
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Beauty and the Beast
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.