Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Mindless4Miles's best tweets

@Mindless4Miles : "Are you going to finish that?" -takes a tantrum from a toddler

@Mindless4Miles: Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.

@Mindless4Miles: Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.

@Mindless4Miles: Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird's head and that bird just kept right on eating. I've never before felt this close to nature.

@Mindless4Miles: I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn't notice the stranger in their midst and I'm feeling so loved rn.

@Mindless4Miles: Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

@Mindless4Miles: DJ: "MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!"

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

@Mindless4Miles: "This is literally the worst beer I've ever tasted."

*finishes six pack*

@Mindless4Miles: Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it's best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

@Mindless4Miles: [orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.