Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Mindless4Miles's best tweets

@Mindless4Miles : *stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv* *can't come up with a good alibi why I'm late for work*

@Mindless4Miles: I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

@Mindless4Miles: "Are you going to finish that?"

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

@Mindless4Miles: Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.

@Mindless4Miles: Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.

@Mindless4Miles: Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird's head and that bird just kept right on eating. I've never before felt this close to nature.

@Mindless4Miles: I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn't notice the stranger in their midst and I'm feeling so loved rn.

@Mindless4Miles: Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.





*a solitary gunshot*

@Mindless4Miles: "This is literally the worst beer I've ever tasted."

*finishes six pack*