[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
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If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.