[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
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Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
mathematically impossible