Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
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gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack