There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
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On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Seems kinda suspicious
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
The options really are this bad
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker