4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
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I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.