me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
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Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.