Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MissHavisham's best tweets

@MissHavisham : 7: You sent me in without crazy socks today. Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt. 7: But it was Wacky Hair Day! Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

@MissHavisham: Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

@MissHavisham: 7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

@MissHavisham: Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

@MissHavisham: I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

@MissHavisham: Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

@MissHavisham: Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

@MissHavisham: "Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?" the PTA mom asks brightly.
"I can't, I kill plants."
I lean in & whisper:
"On purpose."

@MissHavisham: 6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can't tell him it's because I ate them all around 3am.)

@MissHavisham: Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.