my one true gender
You Might Also Like
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
#dnd #ttrpg
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”