JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
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ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I think the cat got the dog high.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.