Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
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I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.