Doggies just call it style.
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I wish gyms had a “montage” option
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Just me?
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!