@MomofTeen: The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
@MomofTeen: My son's girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
@MomofTeen: Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I'm eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I'm a loser.
@MomofTeen: Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
"You're seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!"
@MomofTeen: Me: You're old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
@MomofTeen: I just saw The Big Sick and now I'm negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
@MomofTeen: Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
@MomofTeen: Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, "I can't wait to see what I got everyone!"