My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
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When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.