If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
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My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes