Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MooseAllain's best tweets

@MooseAllain : Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

@MooseAllain: Don't forget if you're a member of the Tautology Society, we've got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

@MooseAllain: [tracker kneels and examines spoor]
- A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
- How can you tell?
- Look. Fresh nincompoop.

@MooseAllain: The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

@MooseAllain: There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

@MooseAllain: "I've built a model of Mount Everest"
"Is that to scale?"
"No, just to look at"

@MooseAllain: Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

@MooseAllain: Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

@MooseAllain: My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

@MooseAllain: In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.