Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MooseAllain's best tweets

@MooseAllain : Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

@MooseAllain: Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

@MooseAllain: My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

@MooseAllain: In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.

@MooseAllain: Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

@MooseAllain: My friend's organising a football match and asked if I'd like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.

@MooseAllain: If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

@MooseAllain: A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

@MooseAllain: "Help! I can't get my jogging trousers off!"
"We'll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy"

@MooseAllain: Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing's happened to him, I'm just sad to hear about him.