Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
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That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Sorry not sorry.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.