To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
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My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I’m an avid indoorsman.