[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
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Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Vodka burrito was a success
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company