Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.