Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
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When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.