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Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
dude it’s called proctologist
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.