[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
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I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
the answer was staring at me all along
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.