Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
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Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Steam Forums
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables