INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My life coach traded me.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.