[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
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Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
saving face 👀
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious