Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
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[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*