“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
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Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
doing your own taxes
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.