From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
You Might Also Like
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Cucumbers Anonymous
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
found this cool rock hiking today
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”