If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
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Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I feel attacked.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.